After getting pregnant, happily, but unexpectedly, I was not very thoughtful or careful about the way I ate or thought about food. I knew that the “eating for two” idea had been debunked and was no longer accepted advice, but I somehow fell back upon that lore and used it as a subconscious excuse as I slowly witnessed my size increasing and the heavy weight of fluid retention and excess calories plumping me up. Internally I decided I could eat whatever I wanted. I gave myself permission. And because I hadn’t truly prepared to be pregnant, I somehow justified winging the nutritional aspect of it. Who was I kidding?! I was winging all of it. I took my prenatal vitamins and I tried to drink lots of water, flavored by coffee beans, and I prepared a few very nutritious meals for myself. But you see, I was living alone initially so I didn’t have anyone to eat with or to impress in that regard. So I wasn’t above Totino’s Pizzas. In fact, I’m pretty sure Totino’s somehow rose above me at times. And there was one very infamous day when I brought a rotisserie chicken to work one day, having started it the night before, and sat down with the whole carcass with half the meat clinging to those bones, only to devour the rest of it.
So I gained 40 pounds. Thankfully this wasn’t too extreme according to the doctor and no one seemed to be too worried about it, least of all me. If I recall the doctor told me it was okay to gain up to 30 or something like that. I figured an extra 10 was within the empirical boundaries. But I’m not a big girl. I am 5’5″ and my “normal” weight hovers around 130 – 140. That’s so hard to imagine at this point. But I’ve tried. I wore a shirt to work the other day that was just a little tight pre-pregnancy. Post-pregnancy it looked like my boobs were trying to make a break for it but had been sadly denied and taught a lesson. And my armpits were chaffed from the cute little cap sleeves cutting into them from below. Wishful thinking is what it was…
But it feels like a new “normal” has taken place. I am 170 pounds. Two and a half years post pregnancy and I’ve lost 10 pounds. Ten measly pounds. It’s not easy to post this. It’s not easy to admit this. But there’s important information I’ve gained from this. No pun intended.
[And ladies, I know this may not be your reality, or the reality you’ve lived through. But it’s my reality and it’s been tough for me. Please know I’m just sharing my life, my experience…]
I have a lot of reasons for why I believe I’m fighting this battle. In no important order they are: hormones, hormones, hormones, hormones, aging, metabolism, and hormones. But I didn’t help myself by putting on those empty calorie pounds and consuming all that junk food. I gained the worst weight. Fat. And lots of it.
Did I mention I’m now 42? Which means I was 39 when I got pregnant.
Post-labor, which lasted a day and a half and involved back labor, (http://www.babycenter.com/0_back-labor_1451580.bc), I was in almost perpetual pain. Although I had multiple issues at various times, the largest, most intense pain came from my lower back. To be clear, the baby’s head was pressing against my hip bones , forced them askew, and my tailbone and for this reason well after giving birth I couldn’t stand or walk for long. And by long I mean 15 – 20 minutes.
The pain was excruciating. If you add it all up over the minutes and the hours I endured the pain pre- and post labor, I’d rather give birth to 40 babies. And until I determined that it was my SI joint (https://www.coreconcepts.com.sg/article/posterior-pelvic-pain-sacroiliac-joint-pain-in-pregnant-women/) and required physical therapy and was dependent on my core muscles getting back in shape and strong, I suffered extensively. And I suffered quietly, because people get bored by others’ pain, so I tried not to talk about it. And I took a shit-load of anti-pain meds and supplements for inflammation. (More on that in another blog…hee hee). Before you think I’m a sad wuss, I should clarify that I experienced this pain for almost a year before I made it a priority to fix.
Looking back on this pain now, it is very possible that the extensive weight gain for my size was a key component to why I suffered the way I did post pregnancy. I also hadn’t listened to the doctor when he said “I want you to walk 2 miles a day.” I wasn’t physically active whatsoever during my pregnancy. I excused myself. And my muscles atrophied. The realization of this blew me away. I asked my physical therapist about it while I was undergoing therapy and she agreed, I had atrophied. Don’t people atrophy when they go to space, I thought? How could I have let it go this far??
And while I was experiencing this pain and being a new, first-time mom, and feeding the Sugar Craving Monster I had become and wanting to be “normal” again, I would watch people from my balcony in the apartment I shared with my mom taking a run on the river path of the Platte. And in those moments the pang of sadness and jealousy and longing and desire and goal-setting all took place at the same time. I was desperately depressed that I had let myself go the way I had, and I wanted so badly to move!! There was nothing I could do at the time but I took all that energy, all that longing and all that frustration and I promised myself that the moment I could run, I would run.
Finally, 6 weeks of physical therapy later, I was running. (http://pptdenver.com/)
Short runs, fun runs, fast runs, slow runs, runner’s trot runs (http://womensrunning.competitor.com/2016/02/health-wellness/this-could-be-the-reason-you-get-runners-trots_54358#O4MYxrDMt4cwGghg.97) and really long runs and I was finally running….
Running…
It felt like a miracle. I was finally running. Again. And all that longing was finally fulfilled. I have never once taken it for granted. And this is why it means so much to me now. I felt almost handicapped by the pain I had experienced but perseverance finally paid off.
My goal had been to become a runner. And to lose weight.
But really, first I wanted to be a runner again. I had been a runner in my youth, and was involved in track and cross-country in middle school and high school but I was never very good. My goal was to show up for practice and I managed to do that. My goal was to participate, not win. My goal was to finish the race and sometimes I wasn’t sure I would. But still I ran. You couldn’t really call me a runner, per se, but I did show up. I put in a moderate effort – and I slowly improved. I remember at the end of one cross-country season at our awards dinner I got the “most improved” award. Sadly, perhaps, I was very proud of that award because on so many levels, I hadn’t really tried very hard. But I distinctly remember my mom making a comment that this was not something to be proud of, which was hard to take because I was proud. In a sport where I had really set out to simply finish the race, improving was well beyond my intentions.
But now, I am a runner. I no longer just show up. I am no longer running just to finish. I run because it’s a beautiful experience. And it elicits heaves of emotion in me as I write this because it means so much to me… I am a runner. I no longer see a 5k as a challenge. I no longer see a 5k as a feat to be conquered. I see a 5k as a warm-up.
I have run 5k races in the sun, 10 k races in blizzards, and even a 15 k race through the streets of downtown Denver. I run 3 – 4 days a week and each of those runs is at least 4 miles, but usually 5 or 6…all at a mile above sea level. Sometimes I run at 10,000 ft above sea level, and I huff and I puff and I keep going… although sometimes I don’t. But it doesn’t matter because I go out and I run regardless. My next challenge is a half marathon.
And I run at 170 lbs. It isn’t 250 or 300 lbs. But it isn’t the 100- 120 recommended for runners of my size, the weight I was in high school when I barely cared. I am overweight and my knees and my hips and my back are well aware. But I still run. No excuses. My thighs hate me. I’ve returned from runs where my shorts didn’t quite protect them well enough and they are raw, red, bleeding and angry.
And then they scab and they heal. I keep running.
And along the way I’ve learned a few things I thought I should share. So long story short, this is what I’ve learned trying to lose weight (which sadly, though I may not have really made that clear, I was kind of trying to do when I first started down this running path):
- Don’t exercise to lose weight. The truth is, you probably won’t lose weight just from exercise alone. And this is a hard pill to swallow, I know, but once you accept it you’ll look at exercise in a whole new light. You may lose a few pounds and if you do, great, good for you!! But keep in mind, it may be short-lived and you may hit a plateau and once you do, getting over that square, ugly hump may be very tough (Trust me, I’m there!). And you may get within 20 or 30 pounds of your goal weight and then hit a weight loss wall. If you do all that work just to lose the weight only to find yourself unable to ultimately get all the way there, will you give up and stop doing the exercise? Making sure you enter into this lifestyle is about understanding this and finding alternative reasons to get fit and healthy. Trust me when I say I’ve gotten on that scale so many times only to feel extremely worthless and disappointed. But how fair is that? I essentially discounted the enjoyment and all the effort I put into finding this new and improved self because the scale wasn’t giving me the numbers I wanted. I equated all that effort and all that work, and all those hours into what I thought should be weight loss. Turns out, my body felt differently.
- Keep a journal or a log of your measurements. Don’t worry about your weight, take stock of your size! Measure your hips, measure your waist, measure your bust or chest, measure your thighs and keep doing it (every few weeks) so you can see your progress because if you keep at it, you will. (Check this out!! http://theberry.com/2017/02/22/woman-posted-a-drastic-before-and-after-pic-eb/) You might not notice a loss of weight, but you’ll notice a loss of inches, and THAT’S what you’re after. If you weighed 300 lbs but fit nicely into a size 6 dress, would you care that you weighed 300 lbs? I didn’t think so! Exercise helps make you look better. Lumpy thighs become toned thighs. Jiggly arms turn into strong, toned arms. Calves are defined. Jowls disappear. Jiggle starts to go away. Fat turns into muscle and you should know – Muscle Weighs More Than Fat ! I went from a size 14, almost 16 depending on the brand, and now I’m a size 10. But I’ve still only lost 10 lbs. (Over the course of almost 2 years!!) But it’s because I’ve focused too long and hard on the numbers on the damn scale that I’ve felt complete and total discouragement! And it’s made me want to quit and give up! The only thing that has kept me going is the fact that I know I look better, and I definitely feel better. So I’ve chosen to all but ignore those stupid numbers on the scale. I’ve found motivation beyond the scale and the harder I’ve worked, and the more I’ve improved, the more motivated I’ve become. But I stopped worrying about the weight. The better I look, the less I care about that stupid number. But I will say this… many people think it’s important to stay honest and hold yourself accountable and if your weight fluctuates a lot depending on how you eat and whether you’ve been good or bad, it might not be a bad thing to check in weekly in order to do just that … But don’t let it rule how you feel about yourself if you’re truly doing the work. And cut yourself a mini break if you haven’t…
- If you want to see immediate results, you should quit now. Because you won’t. You won’t see the results for several weeks. And even then, they might be small. But what you will feel almost immediately is more confident and proud of yourself and probably a little happier. And this is HUGE. Feeling emotionally and psychologically better about yourself is more than half the battle. We make better choices in our lives when we feel good about ourselves. We choose not to have that second piece of cake when we recognize that it doesn’t represent a good, healthy choice. And the better we feel, the better we want to feel. Slowly it becomes a lifestyle choice, it becomes part of your routine, and it becomes a journey and as cliche as that sounds, it’s true.
- Don’t Compete to Win! Not many of us will win races, or be first in the latest triathlon we compete in, but you shouldn’t decide not to compete because you assume you won’t win. Compete because it’s about participating. It’s about showing up. It’s about the motivation these events help to booster. And it’s about how we feel every time we hit the pavement one more time or push ourselves through another difficult but sweat-worthy cardio session, or lift a heavier set of weights and complete more reps doing so. All of this is a journey that will ultimately make the days we have left on this planet multiply, and that much more enjoyable. Exercise doesn’t motivate everyone, and being fit may not seem like a high accomplishment worthy of being proud or giving praise. It may not stack up to being the next best astrophysicist, or entrepreneurial inventor or best-selling novelist. I get that. That doesn’t make it unimportant. Nor does it make your accomplishments in this regard unimportant. My brilliant, beautiful, well-spoken, thoughtful, caring, sweet and funny aunt was a bio-chemist, turned day-trader, turned nutritionist who lived her life with an ever growing understanding and well-founded knowledge that fitness was a critical component of a long life well-lived. Unfortunately, she lost her ability to complete hers when leukemia took her this last year. In her memory and with her life as a driving force behind this blog, I would like to carry on a small portion of her legacy by making it very clear that changing your life by becoming healthier and more fit is a critical component of staying on this planet as long as you have any control over it. It’s pretty hard to be the next astrophysicist if you don’t exist.
- Make it interesting, make it positive and make it fun so you WANT to get out there each time. This is what motivates me: it’s “me” time. I do it alone so I can collect my thoughts, find a peaceful space, get away from the busy hubbub of life and work, and I focus inward. And sometimes I can’t focus at all. It’s beautiful! It’s like meditation or therapy. I am also motivated to listen the collection of music I have compiled. I LOVE every single song. And they’re the kind of songs you can’t NOT move to… and sometimes the music drives my pace and this can be such a huge added bonus. I also try to go outside whenever the weather and temperature allows. Nature has a way of calming us down, making us happier, and providing an interesting backdrop to the work we’re doing for ourselves. After moving to my present location I discovered a state park in our back yard…and I mean that almost literally. A 5 minute drive and I’m surrounded by marshes of cattails and red-winged black birds, coyotes, prairie dogs, groves of cottonwoods and tall grasses where I have almost literally run into new bucks with velvety soft antlers completely nonplussed by my presence. Coyotes have run across my path, darting away only after taking a long, healthy look at me. Pheasants have fluttered out of thick brush as I ran by, and flakes of snow have soaked my hats and shoes. I’ve watched deer play in the meadows, and glimpsed bald eagles sitting regally in the high tree tops. And one day, the wetland area I love so much was flooded and I was faced with turning around, or running through the stream that had become my trail. I chose to get wet. And every moment I’ve spent in this park has been a gift that I will never take for granted. Those hills, meadows, trails and streams have become like a church for me. It cost me about $55 for an annual pass. If you compare that to a gym membership, I’d say I got a pretty good deal.
- Gear up!! Every time I’ve gone out wishing I had something I felt I needed, I spent too much time focusing on that one thing. This means I’ve spent a lot of time buying the various things I feel I need to make my runs enjoyable and comfortable including shorts and leggings to protect my poor thighs. I’ve also put those desires and needs on my holiday wish lists. And I’ve slowly accumulated a good amount of workout clothing and gear including a GPS watch to know how far I’ve gone and whether my pace was decent or not and to keep a log of my progress (it even tells me when I’ve completed a personal record (PR)! I have a headlamp for running in the dark and a stun gun just in case I find myself in not so safe circumstances. My trusty Shuffle was the perfect tool for my iTunes workout playlist until the beau got me wireless headphones which wasn’t compatible with the Shuffle. But this then opened up the glorious world of music streaming from my phone via Bluetooth. And suddenly my music library grew exponentially and I put together a new playlist that blew the last one out of the water, or off the road… The point is, no one said you had to rough it. And you don’t have to spend an arm and a leg either. I buy a lot of workout clothes at Old Navy and Wal-mart and considering that you sweat and stink these things up regularly (with hope), and they need lots of laundering, it simply doesn’t make sense to me to spend excess amounts. But that’d doesn’t mean I don’t try to look okay. If it makes you feel better, if it helps you feel a little more adequate, or comfortable, or cute, or sexy, or simply less awkward, and you want to look like you fit the part, DO IT. I can also say that buying running gear helped to motivate me when I was first starting. I really didn’t want that money to go to waste. And consider what you’re willing to spend on your hobbies… If this becomes a hobby, sometimes a few extra dollars on a really nifty new gadget or piece of gear is money very well spent!
- No Excuses!! If it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you’ll find an excuse. The moment you start giving yourself excuses and convincing yourself they’re legitimate, you might as well give up. That sounds harsh, I know, but you either want this or you don’t. There is no “try” in this. You either do it or you don’t. It’s very black and white as far as I’m concerned. That doesn’t mean that some days won’t be half-assed. Maybe you’re mentally not there. Maybe your body is tired. Maybe you’re stressed and exhausted. Maybe you don’t feel 100%. That’s bound to happen. But I bet you feel almost 100% better after you force yourself to go anyway. I’ve forgotten socks before. I’ve forgotten water to hydrate. I’ve been practically blind in the dark. I’ve been cold. I’ve been hot. I’ve been sick. I’ve run through streams. I’ve forgotten my precious music. My thighs have been bloody. I’ve fallen face first and slid to a stop like I had been sprinting for first base. You get up, you dust yourself off, you find a way to keep going. You don’t turn back. You keep going. The moment you give yourself an excuse, you’ll keep finding them. You just can’t start down that road. But if you’ve made it an enjoyable, comfortable, fun experience, you’ll have a lot less reason to find those excuses!
- Baby Steps are Huge! Don’t discount small accomplishments. Taking a step in the right direction is the right direction. We all start out small. In fact, if you start out huge in this fashion you will quickly burn out. And if you burn out you’ve failed. Give yourself the gift of success by cutting yourself a break when you start something big like this. It’s about slow and steady and focused effort on what you want. Leave something to be desired each time, and you’ll want to go back for more!
I could probably discuss a few more bullet points to complete this diatribe but I think you’ll decide it’s a bit verbose, if you haven’t already. If I had to point to one overarching thought I’d like it to be that I started off this mini-journey with a very different set of expectations and goals. I had no idea I’d end up gearing up for a 1/2 marathon, or not losing much weight, or writing a blog about this and my healthy journey into vitamins and supplements…
But that’s just it… I was essentially wrong and I wanted to share why and what I learned and why I think it’s important. I hope you do too.
Dandelion 